Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
