1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My penis needs a shock collar
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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