You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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