Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
bring money and cleavage
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
