the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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