Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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