He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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