honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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