yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
