Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
