the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
