if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
