im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
