The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
