My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
someone owes me an orgasm
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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