I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
