i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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