I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
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He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
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It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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