If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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