I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
