I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
