I'm so fucking centered right now
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
