im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
