he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
