my room smells like sperm. sweet.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
