Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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