Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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