you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
