I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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