You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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