my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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