for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
