these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
