He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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