I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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