Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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