You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
