Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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