i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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