Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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