when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
All I want is dick and wine.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
