I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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