I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
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