do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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