He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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