Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
