You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
