apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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