he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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