Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
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She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
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You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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