apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
