....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
