Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
