glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
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