My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
