I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
a search helicopter?!
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
