So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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