Swine flu is the new snow day.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
