i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
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