I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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