My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
